This has been a really difficult subject to write about. I am sure meditation feels different for different people because it feels different for me all the time. What is easier to write about is how it has affected me, so I will stick to that for now.

First, I want to say that learning to meditate has been a lot like quitting smoking 30 years ago in that in both cases I just doggedly kept trying and finally one day it just kind of clicked. I have been dabbling in meditation since my father’s death in 2007. At that time I did one of The Great Courses on Meditation. It was about meditation, but also included a lot of information on Buddhist thought. I think that a good part of the benefits I have received through meditating are also due to my acceptance of a Buddhist way of thinking.

I began again after my first cancer diagnosis in 2015. I stayed with it for awhile and dropped it again. Pretty much the same thing happened after the next two diagnoses. But then I got the LMD diagnosis in late November 2017.

That diagnosis changed everything. My life was uncertain -literally-from then on. So I started meditating again, this time using the Headspace app. That app includes many “blocks” or courses on different topics including the basics of meditating. I started there. Then I discovered a 3 part series on cancer (the founder himself was a cancer survivor). I found that very helpful especially when I started incorporating visualization into my meditation later on. The courses helped in keeping me consistent. I meditated pretty often from then on, though not on a daily basis until relatively recently.

Perhaps the most important thing I have learned is acceptance of the fact that I am going to die. This is when both my husband and daughter get angry with me and you may be thinking the same thing. How is that a good thing? Well – and this is something of a cliche but it also the truth – you can’t really live fully without that acceptance. You tend to be always waiting for something, or wishing for something, or just putting something off until a better time. Because I know my time here is finite, I am much less inclined toward that sort of thinking. If something is really that important to me, I am going to get it done, or at the very least, prioritize its getting done. I try to get joy out of whatever it is I am doing. I also try to limit things that I know don’t bring me joy. Obviously this past pandemic year has been trying for me (a year of being perfectly healthy and not being able to do anything!)Thankfully, things are starting to open up and I am seeing possibilities again. Traveling has been one of my greatest joys and that is looking like a real possibility soon. I am looking forward to planning that next trip!

I have also learned that thought are just thoughts. They come and go, and cannot hurt you unless you let them. The same goes for emotions. They are by their nature ephemeral and only cause problems when I insist on following them or dwelling on them or in some other manner giving them power to affect me negatively. I think this is why the practice of “quieting your mind” is so effective in relieving stress. By learning how to simply observe my thoughts as they come and go without getting caught up in them, I have learned how to calm myself when the inevitable anxiety hits.

The last big benefit of my meditation practice is that I feel like I am a kinder, more compassionate person. Meditation has made me see the world more clearly. I know I can’t change how people are, I know that every person has his or her own burdens to carry and I certainly don’t know what another person is going through when I am dealing with them. So I try to be kind. I still have my bad days or moments, but I have even learned to be kind to myself at those times. I just have to keep at it.

That’s why they call meditation a “practice”

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